Eureka!

I've got it! I'll get married!

Take me Away

I've been thinking that I'd quite like to be institutionalised. I'd really dont want much, 3 square meals a day a chance to exercise and a computer and some books will do me.
I don't need to travel and see the world, I only care about world politics and the environment in a coffee shop level. My career is nice, but I understand now that economic progression is a chimeria, an old carrot on a splintered stick. Having come this far, the carrot tastes sweet but wasnt worth the journey. I just need to find the right environment. I've rejected prison and mental institutions because I'd like to be able to sit down without wincing and unless you're Harry Potter scars on your forehead aint cool. The army is too much like hard work. I'm not into young boys so priesthoods out too.
Take me to an old peoples home, ok so there isnt much talent and the foods crap, but I can practise spontaneous incontinence and I can get up late.
Now, where did I put them brown trousers?

sleep dog

I went to see a few good men at the theatre last night. It was shit.
I slept through the entire first part.
Sleep is always a good way out of an uninspiring situation, its like a backdoor out of a room with no exits.
If I could I would use sleep offensivily; for example, instead of shouting abuse at someone I'd just sleep right then right there, IN THIER FACE!
I'll train myself to be able to switch off my consciencousness and be somewhere else instantly.
For the person at the recieving end it will be as if I switched over and that they were a boring channel.
Scenario I:
"Hey buddy you've just stepped on my shoe!"
"So what?"
"Whaddaya mean so what?"
"Zzzzzzzz"
Nice. :-)
I'll be sure to perfect the smug self satisfied grin of someone who imagines he is doing something better somewhere else thats nicer.
Old people mastered the art of offensive sleep , they are all blackbelts.
Spontaneous sleep and incontinence, thats skills dawg.
Scenario II:
"Who dat old fool?"
"Yo yo! watch what you saying - that dude can shit before you can say sorry"

The Problem with Love Pt II

I've got a knack of saying what needs to be said to people at the right time. The problem is I'm far to nihlistic to actually believe any of the crap that I spout at people. I'm far to cynical to believe that they actually believe me. But like religon, or a cigarette , a gentle lie can be a sedative something that makes someone feel better, never mind its a dried heap of shredded cliches tied to together loosely with paperthin plot. When blended right and lit slowly and gently inhaled it often works a treat!
I told new girl, that some heartache isnt meant to get better, that its a sign of love - that never dies and if the love must exist in the realm of pain it is better than no love at all.

New Girl

New Girl likes:
Stroking
Darkness
Chocolate
Hot Baths
Me (alledgedly)
Eastenders
Sleep

New Girl Dislikes:
Jokes
Sex
Comedy
Being Spanked
Light
Ice Cream

The Problem with Love

So I get back to her place after chilling at the Germans, I've been driving for about 2 hours in yesterdays undies. I didnt brush my teeth. I hadnt combed my hair. But an appoinment is an appoinment. Its about 3 when I rock up. She hasnt got out of bed - it looks like a bad day. She doesnt want to talk - I'm chatting to her but its like shes not there. She can only answer questions with yes or no answers. It hurts too much. It was like she was a different person - I told her so. Blank Stare. Being an optimist I thought it may be a good thing to have a girl with a split personality. Like seeing two girls at the same time. I told her that I would call this personality 'new girl' I established the essentials first.
"Is new girl violent?"
"no"
(1 point)
"Is new girl a nymphomanic?"
"no"
(-1 point)
I was asking new girl something about teddybears when she suddenly burst out crying. New girl has issues.
I continued to ask questions about new girl. I thought I better get to know her - she may be around for a while.

The Answer

Flashback to a week ago -I was in bed chilling with my girl and we were discussing me what its all about. Why we are here, why have life. I told her that DNA was basically a chemical that found out how to reproduce itself, as time went on some blobs of DNA found that if they mixed with other blobs of DNA rather than do a straight copy it was possible that they might inherit the best of both parents and have more chance of survival. Now DNA chemicals dont give a hoot if or how they reproduce, but since them blobs that didnt inherit stuff to keep them reproducing died out, the only ones left after millions of years are those that learned how to reproduce by accident.
Then I told her bodies are basically a dispersal and protection mechanism for this chemical, started of with a cell, which was just a layer around a DNA to stuff other stuff mixing with it. Bodies fought and Bodies mixed, eventually bodies became a mechanism that is incredibly sophisticated to the point were it is self aware, but never aware of its purpose.That as time went on DNA even learned to introduce the concept of DEATH , kinda like retiring from the crease in cricket to allow the up and coming stars a chance to reach thier full potential and do better than thier ancestors. This seemed to tie things up nicely and she seemed content with the answer. But the truth is I lied. There is no purpose, we are here because life is beautiful , war(ts) and pain and famine and all. And love wouldnt have it any other way.

The Question

Ignore the last post, that was just me trying to get cute - got some good feedback, and so I thought I was a good writer - tried to write some clever stuff - turned out dull - oh well.
So much and so little has happened in the last week.
For example theres been two births, First my sister had a baby the day before I was due to come back to work. I was in West Ham chilling with a alcoholic German pal watching anime, passed out on a cheap mattress in the spare room. I came to about 10.30 on the Sunday - Fully sweating because the dude didnt have bedsheets so I had insulated myself between two quilts. My 2nd Eldest sister called and told me that my other sister has given birth to a girl. It wasnt a big deal cos she had been pregnant for months , but DAMN more life.
And all the while I'm wondering if its really worth it. I mean I'm nearing 30 and if I can't figure out what I'm doing on the planet - Why reproduce.

Childs Play

My neice came into my room as I was tidying it.
"Uncle Gregory, do you want to play monsters?"
I didn't. Quickly I devised a cunning plan to get her out of my room. I would pretend to be a monster that was about to eat her up. If she wanted monsters by heck I was going to give her more than she bargained for. I grabbed her hand and pulled my lips back over my teeth.
"I'm hungry!" I exclaimed, " I neeeed to eat flesssssssssh", I then rolled my eyes back into my head and let a drop of saliva roll out of my mouth and dribble onto my chin.
This had the desired effect and she was suitably scared. I let go of her arm , kept my eyes rolled back and waited for the satisfying terrfied patter of tiny feet out of my room. I was still waiting when she replied quite calmly "Don't eat me, eat Cynthia".
Now, Cynthia is her best friend from school, and she also lives a short walk from our house. My eyes were beginning to ache and the saliva on my chin felt cold and sticky, but I wasnt about to give in to a toddler, no sir! Besides, I wanted to teach my neice that you shouldnt sell out your friends to save your own hide. I decided to 'pretend' to eat Cynthia. Eyes rolled back I fumbled for the door handle left the room and shut the door. I corrected my aching eyes and made sounds similar too what I imagined it sounds like when an monster with claws tracks, hunts, and devours a 4 year old girl. I realised that this theatre was taking a lot more time than time than the standard 10 minute game of monster hide'n seek. but, I had a point to prove. From inside my bedroom I could giggling , my neice was amused. I was concerned. I rerolled my eyes & returned into the room. 'Ha, now you dont have Cynthia to play with! Now I will eat you up". Over the next 20 minutes my neice proceeded to sell out everyone she'd ever known. I ate all the children in her school, the teachers, the doctor, her parents and the lollipop lady. We'd gone through everyone, and I was about to lay my point, about altruism and integrity on her 4 year old shoulders when she was sent to bed by her parents. That pissed me off.

The Rule of 35

It occured to me that if you dont have children by the time that you are 35 you will never get to know your grandchildren. This is based on the fact that people are having children later and later in their lives , if we mark the age of 35 as a mid point in our lives. and we assume that our own childrens time it will be 'normal' to have children later than we do i.e. around 35-40. We can estimate that we will become grandparents between the ages of 70-75 . Pretty soon towards the time we pop our clogs. Cheerio!

Up Up ... but not quite so far away

I'm on holiday from today, I've swapped the glamourous shores of Austrailia for the more sobering city of Leeds.

Formula for Life

I was thinking about the self similarity of nature. How things generally seems to repeat themself. How the leaves have the shape of a tree, the solar system resembles atomic structure. And finally how getting out of bed each morning is rather like being born. I got kicked out of bed early this morning and felt like crying. The fact is I'm always getting kicked out of somewhere, clubs, bars, pubs, bed, work, people's lives. Life is generally self similar, so much so that I'm starting to think that if I plotted my 3D co-ordinates (GPS donations anyone?) against time, I could create a predictive system as to where I'll be at any one time. That is , I could write a simple formula that will predict my movements. Once I've found out the direction the universe expects me to move at anyone given time , I'll start travelling in precisely the opposite direction for each moment. I'll see if I can violate some fundamental principles of the universe. Hopefully I'll leave a wake of wormholes and anti-gravity patches. More likely I'll get run over by a bus while running backwards across a road, or get busted for crawling under a table at the post-office.

Coffee & Pills

Dinner was okay but a bit surreal. She wore a bikers jacket, I a dufflecoat. We talked about food, relationships , family, histories. We ate, I had duck , she had risotto. Is this dull? Well, most likely. Dating is dull , its not like surfing and travelling - its supposed to be dull - you dont want to do anything too extraordinary early on - we are just still trying to verify that we're both normal. We had a good conversation, nothing really to write home about. She invited me back to her place for 'coffee' so I'll cut to the chase!
The chase being coffee and pills, each night she has a cup of tea and an anti depressive tablet before bedtime. They help her with her personal issues. I asked her if they changed her personality. She said that they didnt, and I was happy. Happy until I started thinking - that she wouldnt necessarily be the best person to ask if her personality had changed. It could be like asking Mr Hyde what he thinks of Dr Jekyll. That night I dreamed of being on a beach in the Bahama's, so I dont think it troubled me too much. Is that normal?

The Regular Hobo

Outside my workplace theres this tramp. He's there pretty much everyday when I leave work, sometimes I see him sat in the centre of Berkley Square; chilling with his dog (An ageing Alsatian).
In stark contrast to all the affluence, gucci suits bentleys and burberry, hes just there and I like it because he balances stuff out. (I cant [be bothered to ] explain this point further)
It sounds sick but I quite like seeing him around, I cant explain it, its like if theres something regular in your life - after a while it becomes the norm and comforting. Just how you see the same people at the bus-stop each morning on the way to work, or going to the same place at lunchtime and ordering from the same person. Like that, I find this guy & his dog comforting. Nevermind the fact that he's freezing his knackers off each night as we slip into a typically chilly winter in London. He makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, I always look at him when I leave work, and he always gives me a dirty look back and his dog always raises his eyebrows at me. I like it, Ok?
He got rid of his dog for a bit and it really disturbed me, it looks like he'd hooked up with another homeless pal , and it looked like 3 had become a crowd. It is probably cool for him, it wasnt the same for me. What had he done with the dog? Who the hell was this man?
Didnt last long, Yesterday I noticed the dog was back! I think he'd thought better of who his true friends are. I was delighted.

The Plan

My friend and I have a plan - if she reaches 35 and we are still childless, I'll supply the sperm and she'll get herself pregnant with a turkey baster.
She promises not to screw me over for child support, provide some quality porn, and pick a really nice pretty turkey baster. I promised to be around every so often - seems like a good contingency - .... I guess. She told me I was her last resort - which didnt feel great. I told her about my trouble getting out of bed, she said that her boss comes in between 10-11 each morning , that her boss was really successful in everyway but just couldnt make it to work at 9 am each day. That I'll have to decide if I want to change my behaviour or the expectations of those around me.
Like Mohammed going to the mountain.
I just gotta figure out which is Mohammed and which is the mountain.
...... meeting my girl for dinner tonight, more on that later.

'unconscience man'

1.27 into Blurs track Star Shaped I hear a bleep in my left ear, and it aint just me
oh and somewhere actually to greater and lesser degrees after each time they say 'unconscience man'

First post , last chance

First blog , last chance - I'm Greg
I'm 29 6'2 black, fun educated and without making this sound like a dating profile - good fun to be around ( at least in my opinion)
This morning I found it hard getting out of bed.
I really should have this down by now - I'm nearly 30
Does that qualify as a condition? I really hope so. I wish it was a condition you have to learn to live with, thats always there.
Then I could have a blog about how complex I am, and how and why my varient dysnfunction affects my life, how im struggling a little with it day by day, I'll even submit picture of myself , artfully shot in black and white, with the light just catching my face as I look into the distance, I'll have an enigmatic smile and the eyes will belie a touch of the pain of existence, that is elusive yet deeply resonates with everyone ...take you all on a journey you know..... but er, nope.
I got a decent job, Fully functioning family, decent health, a car , lots of friends but yet......
Everything is not quite right, I feel like a person who'se won the holiday on the gameshow but wanted the car.
Everything is great but......... I'm still finding it hard to get out of bed!